Do you get upset when you hear that you should sleep more, but it seems impossible?
If you can’t get the sleep you need, I feel you.
For over 24 years, I struggled to get rid of my insomnia. I tried everything from sleep remedies like magnesium and melatonin to lifestyle changes like avoiding caffeine and screens before bed. Tossing and turning while others slept was incredibly frustrating, and I had to retreat to a separate room. My sleep was so bad that even cluster feeding a newborn made no difference.
If you’ve dealt with insomnia, you know how draining it is. Thankfully, that's no longer the case for me. Now, I get a solid seven hours of sleep, fall asleep within ten minutes, and wake up without an alarm. I can even go back to sleep after my preschooler wakes me at 3am, and I haven't had a night terror in years.
Here Are the 5 Things That Improved My Sleep
First, a confession that I’ve been hovering over the publish button for this post for months.
I am not a medical professional and cannot provide medical advice. The information I share is based on my personal experiences only. What worked for me might not work for you. I don’t wish to add to the pool of confusing misinformation online.
So please call me out, probe my theories against your own research, and tell me where I’m wrong. I’m much more excited to change my mind than to add to the noise.
If you are struggling with sleep issues or considering any changes to your health regimen, please consult a healthcare provider.
1. Chronotype Assertiveness: Getting Up Early
I’m a morning person. My energy peaks between 5 and 7 a.m. Unfortunately, most of my social life happens in the evenings, which disrupts the energy patterns of my early bird chronotype.
It used to be impossible for me to fall asleep before 11 p.m., but I’d still wake up at 3 or 4 a.m., tossing and turning until 7 a.m. This ‘resting’ did replenish some of my energy, but it was a waste of prime energy.
I broke this pattern by giving myself permission to start my day early - as early as 5 a.m. if needed. The trick is to begin with a challenging activity, not something relaxing. For me, it’s writing long-form posts, the biggest creative challenge of my day. Doing this for even a couple of days made me very sleepy around 9 p.m.
The second challenge was to assert my early bedtime regarding social obligations, wherever reasonable. It turns out that many people are more than happy to connect over an afternoon walk or lunch date rather than a late dinner, especially other parents of young kids.
The trick was to be proactive and suggest something instead of waiting around for a dinner invite.
2. Better Indoor Air Quality
Living in Germany and New Zealand, I’ve always taken indoor air quality for granted. It never crossed my mind that it could have a notable impact on my health, even though I’ve struggled with allergies, asthma, and chronic bronchitis since I was a child.
Only after being stuck in one damp room for eight weeks during the pandemic, and feeling pretty average, did I learn that there is often room for improvement1.
A caveat: I made some extreme changes in this regard, partly because we were already renovating. I know this isn’t an option for everyone, and I don’t think it’s necessary.
However, here is a list of things that helped me get rid of my chronic stuffy nose at night:
We had a privet tree in the front yard, which is known to trigger allergies, so we cut it down and planted an apple tree instead.
Our house doesn’t have an air exchange system (HRV or similar), so I make an effort to open the windows when the weather is nice and the traffic from the busy road isn’t too heavy.
New Zealand winters are wet. I run a 2-in-1 dehumidifier and air purifier during the day to keep humidity below 60% and filter out some of the nasties from the heavy traffic nearby.
I cleaned any hidden spots of mould around window sills, behind furniture, or in wardrobe corners with a suitable botanical solution. We also got an old shower leak remediated.
When the last vacuum broke, I replaced it with a model that has a HEPA (high-efficiency particulate air) filter. I started vacuuming mattresses with every change of sheets.
Artificial fragrances in scented candles, air fresheners, plug-in diffusers, fabric softeners, and dryer sheets2 are said to trigger allergies and disrupt the endocrine system, so I removed them from the bedrooms and laundry.
When painting a bedroom or choosing flooring or furniture, I opt for low-VOC or natural options3. I believe that removing the old carpet from our bedrooms made a big difference.
3. The Uncovering of Subtle Underlying Health Problems, Like an Underactive Thyroid
It wasn’t until I encountered secondary infertility and consulted a female health specialist that I discovered my underactive thyroid. It’s difficult to pinpoint the exact impact that supplementing my thyroid has had, but it’s easy to imagine how underlying, undiscovered health conditions can affect sleep quality.
Sometimes, it’s worth finding a health professional capable of running more targeted tests, such as a functional doctor. We often don’t have enough time with a general practitioner to delve into the more subtle health challenges we might be facing.
Even something as minor as dry skin can degrade sleep quality.
I used to joke that aliens must be abducting me at night to scratch my legs, to which my husband responded that he’d seen one, and it looked a lot like me. The last thing I expected was that my attempts to fix insomnia and infertility would eliminate the leg-scratching alien. It probably had something to do with the next point as well:
4. A Better Mattress - Investing in the Right Kind of Healthy
Not healthy as in: extra plush with cooling gel and no partner disturbance, but healthy as in: free of allergy-triggering, hormone-disrupting, and skin-irritating nasties.
Quality mattresses are expensive. Both the fancy-featured and the genuinely good ones. It’s super tempting to go for a $150 roll-up mattress. But we spend almost a third of our time in close contact with our mattress. It must surely be one of the top contenders for ‘things’ that make life better.
Anyway, I felt a difference when I swapped my comfy but poor-quality synthetic mattress for a decent, natural one (a dorsal sunflower mattress, in my case).
5. Shedding Adaptations, Feeding the Soul
I believe that at the core of many sleepless nights is a lonely soul.
There is a type of loneliness that has nothing to do with ‘having nobody to hold us’ or ‘having no deep conversations with real friends.’ I’ve had both, and neither fixed the loneliness that kept me up at night.
As far back as I can remember, I’ve yearned for the feeling of home, as though I were spiritually lonely. Since childhood, I’ve tried to fill this void with relationships. But in adapting to others’ expectations, I’ve abandoned myself. Out of a perception of scarcity, I rushed from one thing to another, never allowing myself to be slow or simply exist. I didn’t pursue the things I was driven to or allow myself to sit in awe.
At night, the barrage of external stimuli goes quiet, the mind’s energy wanes, and the capacity for self-deception is exhausted.4
The boundary between the conscious and subconscious becomes thin, and the true self aches, entrenched in Sehnsucht, a diffuse longing of the soul, for lack of better words.
And the soul is not to be bargained with.
I tried for so long to override it with focused thinking or romantic infatuation. After years of busy distractions, I have come to suspect that we will not find rest when the subconscious has something to say that has not been listened to for a very long time.
Perhaps the subconscious will only allow us to rest at night when we become at least a little conscious during the day.
What Does This Mean, Practically?
For me, it meant backing myself - the true self, not the personality I had adopted to fit in. It’s a bit like what Susan Cain suggests:
“Spend your free time the way you like, not the way you think you’re supposed to.”
For me this meant:
Making more free time in the first place - I’m still working on this. The plan was never to abandon responsibility, run off to Thailand, and live in the woods. Instead I want to build enough capacity to become a reliable adult with the freedom to be more than just “of service” - the freedom to be unproductive, slow, and still.
Noticing the pain I had been medicating with workaholism for so long.
Discovering what I actually like to do and what flows.
Writing down, in detail, the most impactful lessons of my life.
Facing the regret of years lost to unnecessary angst and external programming.
Capturing ideas without discrimination.
Coaching to turn ideas into action.
Remembering that none of these define me.
This is not a quick or easy thing. But no matter how long it takes, it is probably the opposite of wasted time.
And that, at the very core of it, is what kept me awake: a soul unsettled by the unconscious nature of my waking life.
For a deep dive I recommend Joseph G. Allen & John D. Macomber’s book Healthy Buildings, How Indoor Spaces Can Make You Sick
If this is relevant to your interest, you may want to check out Lara Adler who educates health practitioners on environmental toxins (not affiliated)
For those in New Zealand, I recommend Natural Paint Co. due to their transparent disclosure of ingredients (invested, not affiliated)
This section draws on ideas from Dr. James Hollis, as discussed in his book The Middle Passage and in the podcast episode titled “How to Find Your True Purpose & Create Your Best Life.”
Glad you are featuring the importance of sleep. 😊It affects my next morning meditation and everything else. Interesting that it’s evening socialization that affects your sleep. I am working on cutting out digital time before sleep!